As I stared at a large, shimmering beach ball that had gotten caught in a tangle of desert brush downhill from a mansion pool in Phoenix, I rekindled a forgotten plan, the late-teenage vision of being a bestselling author and living on a mountainside in Arizona. It was something that sang like chimes in the breeze when we first visited Sedona thirteen years ago–almost as if it had already happened– but then faded into red dust under the weight of many experiences and many years of heavy snowfall.

When I was eighteen, I saw someone with me on the mountain–a soul mate, some amalgam of every good quality, every smile and every joke I would come to collect like trinkets in each partner over the next thirteen years. Now, at 31, I realize that the relationship has to come from within. As a woman, you will always feel guilt– the guilt that you are not complete without a partner, spun from deep within your DNA; the guilt of whether or not to have children, as if weaving together a new family and being its gatekeeper is the only way to not be a selfish person; the inadequacy of not being self-sufficient and relying on someone else to fix the car and pay the bills, or conversely the embarrassment of having learned these things yourself because you do not have a partner. 

At 31, I realize it is okay to do whatever the hell you want with your life, because you are the only person who is going to make yourself happy. It’s okay to work towards Arizona mansions. It’s okay to go back to school for a more realistic degree than what they pressured you into out of high school. It’s okay to rent instead of own, and enjoy going home to a cat and a piano and a set of paint brushes every day, and cut off your hair because it looks cuter than long hair, and have wide hips, and eat raw cookie dough, and talk to spirits (in moderation, of course). And of course, it is also okay to have a family, have no hips, and love having hair down to your waist. The only real point of life is evolve in your understanding of the world and enjoy it for its changes and opportunities, because that happiness will bring joy to those around you.

Crazy what kind of wisdom comes with soaking up some Vitamin D.